Here’s some stuff that happened while you were “working”:
- Well, you called it. Turns out Bigfoot was just a dead hobo in a monkey suit or whatevs. These past couple of weeks have been pretty lousy, mythical monster-wise. Real monster-wise though, not too shabby.
- A school district in North Texas might soon allow its teachers to bring guns into class for protection against disgruntled students. Only Texas could think the solution to gun violence is more guns.
- Speaking of Michael Phelps, it seems Lil Wayne deserves some credit for all those gold medals. Weezies - the breakfast of champions.
- Happened yesterday, just as hilarious today: Asda is being yelled at for selling High School Musical-themed underwear for little girls that have the words “Dive In” on the front. Also: the underwear makes you turn tricks for booze money. Probably.
Here’s some stuff that happened while you were “working”:
- Today, on my new favorite reality show, The Russia-Georgia War, a Georgian reporter got shot while she was live on the air — and kept right on reporting!! Man, Georgia really pulls out all the stops for sweeps.
- On my second favorite reality show, the Olympics, some Swedish dude thought he deserved more than a lousy bronze, so he threw his medal on the floor and stormed out!! Oh, and also: Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps.
- Julia Child was a spy! And I can’t even make a decent goddamn piece of toast.
- Ernest Borgnine is six million years old. His secret? A healthy dose of happy handshakes. Longevity, here I come!
- (Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.)
Here’s some stuff that happened while you were “working”:
- War’s back on! Maybe. The White House is shocked by Russia’s aggression? Their president’s name is Medvedev! The Russian word for “bear” is built right in there! RUSSIA’S PRESIDENT IS A GODDAMN BEAR!! Nuff said.
- China beat the US in women’s gymnastics. Fuck it. China is a lousy cheat, and the US team has Alicia Sacramone. Let’s move on.
- First Gmail goes down and I can’t access my Donk-a-Day newsletter. Now Netflix gets glitchy and takes forever to send me Ecks vs. Sever! If I don’t watch Lucy Liu, who will??
- A bunch of pro-disability groups are boycotting Tropic Thunder for using the word “retard” with reckless abandon. For realz? And where was your boycott when The Ringer was stinking up the box office? That movie was seriously retarded.
- The tallest lady in the world, Sandy Allen, passed away. She was 7-foot-7.
Here’s some stuff that happened while you were working:
- The war is over! And just when the country vs. state thing was getting funny again.
- The Olympics are one big evil fake. Also: who cares? Call me when Michael Phelps finally admits he’s a cyborg.
